We look forward to it throughout the winter months, then complain about it when it finally arrives: hot temps in the summertime.  Those of us without the benefit of air conditioning or swimming pools truly understand what the dog days of summer really are.  Those poor dogs.

With little else to do in this weather but ruminate on it, I’ve come up with what The Summertime Heat in New Hampshire means to me.  So grab a glass of ice-cold lemonade, pull up a chair in front of a fan, and kick back in coolness as I run down the acronymic list:

Tourists.  Route 1 from the Massachusetts border to Portsmouth becomes a snarled traffic jam of people visiting us from Virginia, Wyoming and Canada, most of whom are completely lost.
Hot – did I mention HOT?  People always say, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”.  Well, 90% humidity on a 60-degree day isn’t oppressive, but 90-degree heat on a dry day IS.  Idiots – who made them honorary weathermen anyway?
Electric bills climb due to increased usage of fans, A/C and pool pumps.  Some places (California) experience rolling blackouts or brownouts during the summer months.  Better them than us.  Imagine losing you’re A/C when it’s 95-degrees outside.

Sunshine, sunshine, sunshine.  Makes flowers grow and people happy.  Also attracts tourists.
Uncomfortable sleeping.  Air conditioning is the only way to get a good night’s sleep in the humid evenings of July and August.  Sleeping in a pool works, too, but people die that way.
My wife hits the beach – I do not.  Too crowded, too busy, and too much skin that, frankly, should be hidden from view every month of the year.  People unashamedly show off parts of their body that only a doctor should be seeing.
Mountain biking in the oppressive heat is something I actually enjoy – perhaps it’s the breeze on my reddened, glistening face or the ten pounds in water I lose each time I go out.  Helps me feel young.
Everyone has to talk about the heat.  “Is it hot enough for ya?”  Duh, no?  “Wow, what a heat wave we’re having!”  No kidding, really?  Hadn’t noticed.  Too busy sweating.
Realizing that when the heat leaves us, the cold is right on its heels.  With so much complaining going on about the heat, you’d think it was this hot all year long.  It seems colder in NH far more than it seems hot.  Quit bitching – that only makes it hotter.
Those damn tourists!  Blocking traffic, speaking with uninterpretable accents, taking up prime beach real estate with their four kids, seven cousins, eight coolers, five Speedos, three radios (on different stations, mind you) and an umbrella that keeps blowing away.
Ice cream in July.  ‘Nuf said.
More tourists.  They’re one of the reasons our beaches are overcrowded, but so many communities on the seacoast depend on the tourist dollar, what can you do?  You can ridicule them in print because everyone knows tourists don’t read.
Elves.  No one ever thinks about the elves in July.  They’re hard at work under Santa’s vacationless whip making toys for good girls and boys.  No one appreciates the elves.

Harvesting blueberries and raspberries under the sweltering summer sun.  Not very fun, but, oh my, how delicious!  Raspberries hide bugs well, so be careful not to eat a bug.
Even the birds go into hiding when the day heats up above 90.  I don’t blame them, since they have no pool or A/C.  I often hide, too, just not in trees.
All physically fit people should be mandated to wear sexy, revealing clothing 24/7 – men included.  All heavy people (like me) should be forced to wear nothing less than shorts and t-shirts (like I do).  My fat is my choice – I shouldn’t force it upon your cultured eyes, even at the beach.
Tourists again.  Damn it, they’re everywhere!